murmurs in the dark

murmurs in the dark

elvin_faerie

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Wasted Time

[Sep. 16th, 2008|02:36 pm]

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discontent

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I'm so sick of all of this. Sick of feeling unappreciated, feeling worthless. Sick of having everything I try to do fail miserably. I hate being in the fall show, hate that even though its my senior project that i still get crap ass parts that are not even worth being there for. I hate that I was stupid enough to believe that maybe this time Nancy would give me the benefit of the doubt and give me an ok part, instead of being a bitch that she is.

I'm sick of feeling trapped, of having no where to go and no one to turn to. Sick of feeling alone even when i'm surrounded by people. I'm sick of feeling like my roommates hate me, that one "friend" especially hates me for some unknown reason and that one "best friend" is lost to me. I'm sick of people not picking up after themselves because they know someone else will do it. I pick up after myself, clean my own shit, but i refuse to be other people's parents. I am not responcible for you so grow up and take responciblity.

I hate feeling like an outsider in my own apartment. Like I'm not wanted, not liked. I'm sick of not being able to go home and relax, sick of being on edge all the fucking time even in my own room. All I want is peace, to be able to live here with out feeling like a fucking outsider, like I don't belong...or some fucking fifth wheel.

I'm sick of feeling that I dont belong anywhere. that I am still out of place, unwanted. I'm sick of trying to conform to people's rules and expectations.

I'm sick of feeling alone. I hate it. The only time I don't feel alone is when I'm with Jordan. But then its a lot to put on someone. So i feel guilty that I only feel like i'm not alone when I'm with him. I feel like I'm a burden to him.

I feel like he's the only one who really understands...or almost the only one who does. He's one of the only one's see me, who gets me....I'm sick of feeling invisible, like I dont matter. God damnit I want to matter.

I'm sick of sitting here every night, alone and lonely, listening to the joyous sounds of the ones who have forgotten me and knowing that I no longer matter. Everynight I sit here, watching the clock waiting for the phone to ring...so that for that half hour I dont have to feel alone. I dont have to feel like I dont matter, like I'm invisinble and forgotten. I dont have to feel like I'm worthless because I know to him I'm not. I dont have to feel used or left out or ignored. He's one of the only ones whos been here, constanly for me, because he wants to be. Hes never felt threatened by my friends, because i might need them as well as him.

Its kinda sad when that happens. When its decided that because i had that one person to fill that one section of my life that I must not need the rest. When they never got that i still needed them. In fact I needed them all the more. I never was replacing them...I was just adding something another layer. that i have different needs to be filled by different people. And now I dont have them. Its sad when I rely on him because thats bascially all i have left.

Last spring the stress in my life caused me to lose weight, weight that even now i cant gain back. The loss of friendships, the constant feeling of loneliness, the utter depression of knowing that you are invisible and forgotten. That you can sit there in a room with others and be completely ignored...to them you dont exist. To try to belong, try to make it work, try just about anything until you realize that it is pointless. They dont want you and they certainly dont need you. So I tried to let it go and in the process I lose myself.

The depression that I was fighting so hard last spring is back. It was easier to get rid of in the summer, to get past when the one I love is with me everyday. then I know that I am alive for a reason. That I can be loved, that I am wanted and needed. That I belong. And now I've been back two weeks and the depression is back full force. I can feel it pulling at me more everyday that I am here. I' so sick of feeling this way. Like I dont matter, I dont belong. Like you dont want me here, I was just a pawn in your game. So sick of knowing that I can count on one person, depend on one person....that only one person wants me in general.

I'm sick of feeling trapped. Sick of feeling neglected, unwanted, unneeded and unloved. Sick of seeing the hate, the indifference. Sick of being used or treated like I dont exist. Sick of feeling like a burden. Im sick of it all...I wish some things hadn't changed. But you can't go back. So maybe this is how I'm closing the door on that part of my life, the life when there was four...everythings changed, almost nothings the same. I dont how much everyone else lost, but I know what I lost....

...and I miss it....

I'm done. Fuck this.

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Summing it up...

[Jan. 11th, 2007|07:26 pm]

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melancholy

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    Well, I dont excatly know what to say, but I guess the title will be appropriate as this is basically going to be a way to sum up the last year. I think this is something that has needed to be done for a while.
    2006, started out on a weird foot. I was back in a place that was incredibly different than the world I was used to. I returned to FPC with the knowledge that I had a great best friend to go back to. Throughout the semester I would deal with numorous situations, gain some great friends - including two who would become my best friends - and try to be more of a normal 19 year old. I ended up dealing with a situation in which i had never been placed, and I admit I didnt nessicarily handle it very well. In the end though we all managed to work through it and regain even footing. When the end of the semester came I left with the knowledge that I had met some amazing people and looked forward to returning in the fall to see where I would go, what opportunites would present themselves. I looked forward to continuing and deeping a great friendship between myself, Meredith Butler, and Caroline Tuttle.
    During the summer I had the privledge of getting to live with one of the best friends I had made at FPC, Meredith. This was a huge step for me, getting to be out on my own essentially, away from the family that loved me, but always tried to keep me tied to the apron strings, as the saying goes. So there I was, 2 hours from home, living and working with a friend that had come to mean the world to me. She had in fact become more just a friend - she had become my sister in everything except blood.
    Unfortunaly, in life we rarely see the bumps in the road. That summer turned out to be one of the hardest in my life. I ended up dealing with things...one situation in particular that tested me in a way that I had never been tested. I was forced to grow up even more than I already had. To be honest, this situation devistated me. No one should ever have to do what I did that one night in July...but life doesn't nessicarily care what one should or shouldn't have to do. I will leave the details of that situation out, as even now it is too painful to think about. In reality I wish I could forget what happened; somethings however will remain with you your entire life.
    At the end of the summer I was left drained, instead of refreshed. I came back to Pierce after a week of being home...and I simply did not care anymore. School in its entirety held little enjoyment for me, little promise of the future. I didn't care whether I succeeded or failed in my courses, a huge first for me. What differance would it make, if things turn out in a way I was sure they would. I would only have to leave Pierce and everything I ever had...so I might as well start now, right.
    Luckily however I have some pretty amazing friends. These friends saw that I wasn't nessicarily thinking straight and managed to pull me back into the world of the living..if not always sane. :-D
Through their help, love and encouragement I got my head back where it belonged and made myself start to care again.
    It was about this time that I got to know another friend who's life seemed to be spiralling out of control with no way to stop it. I will refrain from details, as they are personal and it is not my place to share them. I will however say that everything that he had ever cared about seemed to be abandoning him, leaving him to fend for himself in a world that had proved all to often that it didnt care.
    I, however, being the person that I am, couldnt stop myself from wanting to help. Its just who I am. So I tried, and I waited...and adventually a deeper friendship was formed. I managed to get him to trust me, although it took a great deal of time (later I would realize just how long it really took). So here we were, two lost broken people struggling to make it. Time went on and wounds began to heal.
    None of us knew the difficulties that we would have to contend with, the battles we would have to fight in the near future. They say God never gives us more than we can handle. Well at that time he decided to give us numerous problems, with very little time to recover before the next wave of adversity hit.
    Fights were fought, things were said, people got hurt, lies were told only to later be admitted to. Some things were easily forgiven, if not forgotten while others are still unsolved.
    In the end 2006 was not a good year. However, the memories that were given to me will not be forgotten. Instead most will be cherished, for they were the most touching, heartfelt that I have ever had.
    They say hindsight is 20/20 and for the most part they are right. I can look back now, and see with clear vision. And for the first time I can say things that I have always meant to, but could never find the words for. I can tell you all the most important things, the things that should have been said long ago.
    Meredith, you are and will always be my best friend. A light in my life, who helped me through what was the most homesick time imaginable. You were there, and continued to be there for me, even when I thought, and expected you to leave. You stuck by me in a way no one ever has. I watched as you grew and bloomed in a place where we are finally ment to explore who we are. You were the constant compainon, always there with a kind word or a shoulder to cry on, even though I didnt accept that shoulder as much I should have. Just knowing that it was there, however, changed me as a person. We have some great memories from our first year, and even better ones from the summer. I will never forget the nights we had, talking, laughing and having the time of our lives. You were there when all seemed lost in my world. I love you and always will. No matter what the future holds, I will always think of you as a sister in my heart, for you were the gateway that lead me to where I am and who I am today.
    Caroline, your bright shinning face is never far from my mind when trouble is near. The first memory I have of you is when I met you, playing scabble with Lisa in the Pub. I dont remember what my first thoughts were upon meeting you, but you soon came to mean a lot to me. In a very short amount of time we bacame fast friends and I saw something that constantly drew me to you. Your love for life, and desire to learn makes me realize time and again how lucky I am to have you in my life. We too share many memories, more than we have pictures for, from our spring semester together. During the summer we managed to stay great friends, deeping our friendship with our numerous conversations, in which we were both bored off our asses and could do nothing about it. Our time will together will continue. You know that I love you and you are also a sister to me. we share a great deal of inside jokes, and all i have to do is think of them and smile.
    Dave, I thank you for the time we had together as great friends. At one point you were a best friend, and I'm sorry that time had to end as it did. There will always be the good memories that we all have in which you made me smile, or told me that life would get better. No one can erase the things that happened or go back into the past and change what did happen. You and I, will most likely never have what we had, as much as that pains me in a way to say. I fear that time has come to an end, and although a part of me doesnt want to lose that, I fear the things that have been done are to great for me to get over at the moment. We shall see. I do however thank you and appreciate all that we shared and all that you gave me in the time that we had.
    Darci, well you were there through it all. Granite hallmates last year, who loved Kelli Costa and learned many things about each other. You have been there when I was down, kicked my butt and said so what. If im feeling down all I have to do is look at my Darci-kins to make a face..and there is the sun! Good memories here, a lot from this year. I look forward to you coming into my room anytime of the day to see what im doing...we both get bored easily in that suite, yet neither wants to go far. And the P-bitching was so much fun :-D. You are a more recent member of the group but have found a place in my heart that is justified. I am sorry you arent coming to Ireland this summer (I know your gonna kill me now for reminding you, but I have to say it so you know what it means), because I know without a doubt that we would have had the time of our lives....i dont think it will be nearly as fun without you :'(. I love you and always will, no matter where life takes us.
    Michele...oh what can I say. Our friendship is new, yet has the stuff to last. What I see in you ..well its almost like looking in a mirror. I know that no matter what we will be there to kick each other in the butt and tell the other the truth....which most usually happens to be the opposite of what the other wants to hear..and that just sucks! We can always deny it, but in the end we both know what the other says is true. In the short time we have had together, you have become very dear to my heart. I will never forget the memories we have already made and the ones that we'll make in the coming months. I love you.
    The last person...and god, he is anything but the last person to me. Jon (yeah and I had to retype it cuz the O got big again!) there is so much to say, and not enough words. This is the first time I am usuing your name. What we have shared...has been enough to change my life. Many people would think you were a simple guy, most call you Gucc. To me you will never be just a simple guy. From when we first started hanging out and there was all that pain in your eyes, until today, there has always been more. You were there through the tough times, and I was there to try to help you. There will never be a time when I don't think of you and have a memory or a quote come to mind. You were there for me in a way that no one ever has been...in a way I have never let anyone be. I will always care and I will always be there if you ever need me. During the semester we got close; during the break we have talked almost daily. What the future holds is unknown to us. There are so many things...so many thoughts. You are like a lighthouse, a beacon in the storm drawing me safetly to shore...a constant light in my life. Neither one of us know where we will go from here, or how things will work out. You know my side, you know...well you know. All things aside I want you to know that in the time we had, you came to mean a great deal. I will always appreciate what you did for me, what you are still doing whether you realize it or not. There is still so much to be said, but I can't find the words, I cant find the right ones to tell you...

    No one knows what tomorrow holds, for any of us. There are still things left unsaid, feelings left to be shared...and great memories still to be made. So here is to 2007, may it be better and not worse, may we make many memories, laugh often, live as much as we can, and cherish the ones we love.

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for anyone who feels this way

[Oct. 9th, 2006|11:37 pm]

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Current Mood

drained

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This rant was written because a nice girl finally snapped.

I've read the tribute to the nice guys; this is my response.

This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don't give it up on the first date, who don't want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe... maybe this time he'll have understood. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don't deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea," to "time heals all wounds." This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.

This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it's an experience that they don't want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they'd rather not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn't care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed. This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they're too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.

This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over her, he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.

This is for the "I really like you, so let's still be friends" comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you've received from your female friends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow and your teddy bear. This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don't think that they deserve more, because they've been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.

This is what I don't understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don't appreciate them and don't want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mind games, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call... and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the "stalker chick" you'd met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this "nice girl" who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you're not looking for a nice girl. You're not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intramural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you're looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.

So don't say you're on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won't answer your catcalls, sometimes you're looking at a nice girl in whore's clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we're all thinking the same thing: "This isn't me. Tomorrow morning, I'll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I'll have slept alone and I'll be making my hung-over best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me." You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don't want the nice girl.. so don't say you're looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we're willing to extend - - but in return, we're looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they're running they're chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets... the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congradulatory hug (and yes, if she's a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won't matter), hoping against hope that maybe you'll realize that they're the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.

So maybe it won't last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we're waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what's a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?)

By Jessica Leigh Griffith

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